Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Not political

I am not a political person but as I get older I feel more passionately about things that are going wrong with my own country... England, my land... I feel we could be the reigning glory of the world... I truly do, look how much we have to give...all the beauty, the history, the people, the art the talent the music the order... But we fuck it up, our leaders mess it all up for us, every time, and the queen looks on, embarrassed as her family screws about and her chosen political heads just make us all cringe then angry. How I want to approve of what they do but to anyone who is not them, it is obvious they are all bleeding heart idiots. I have had enough. I did not come to Italy to escape our political situation I came to Learn how to sing bel canto but to be honest I was getting fed up of it all. How bad must it be that I come to a country that is more expensive and full of thieves and cheats with no order and of course the mentally ill hitler figure that is berlusconi. Voted in not one but a horrifying four times cos 'the family' threaten Sicily to the extent that he has all of Sicilys votes, for a start, not to mention what else goes On. Anyhow... Then I found my love and we made a home so it worked out well. Oh but its all a mess a total mess, even apparent to a not very political person.i mean i am more or less blind but i can feel. and we feel the hard end of it don't we. we don't to the GP and say, you know, i feel really good now. i reallly feel so well and sunny and happy. we go when we have a problem, a complaint. we feel the negative .and i suppose i am complaining to my imaginary political GP now. gruesome politician.
i have moved. i am still moving. i think it might go on forever. but its exciting in many ways. tiring. i do feel tired by it all. the bed drama goes on endlessly... we will sleep in a bed tomorrow night finally, we hope. after being here two weeks and two days. ikea has become our home from homes. fucking place. i hate it so much it has inspired several poems. however, it has served us pretty well actually, and i get a kick in having been there. looking back. like so many things in my life which i fail to enjoy at the time but look back on happily and with fondness. like the school i went to and where i was abused. i had really good times there and i looked back on it happily even today.
it fees strange being here. with a man who loves me...his reason? just because i am me! extraordinary. i know all my many good points, and still hate myself with a loathing. but he knows few of them and still loves me. with joy. strange, frankly. i cant understand it. i guess in that way i am truly fortunate. note to self, must not fuck it up. i have a knack of pushing away good things in my life to punish myself (from what, who can tell) ... i have made a mental note not to do this. he is an adonis. the most physically beautiful person i have ever seen. we love each other. he is funny, clever, witty, stylish, fashionable, artistic, the only person with hwom i ever shared the depth of music i feel, he understands things he cant possibly get at such a tender age, a callow youth indeed, haha, he is , to that end i suppose, a savant... a great cook too not to mention the fact that he does everything for me. he wants to. he literally does everything. he knows i have it tough and he cooks, cleans, plans, does my hair, makes the bed, makes things for the houee with his delicate sensitive but capable little hands... he refers to me for grown up decisions! it is hilarious to watch. i gaze at him for hours. all the time really. as he is slowly sliding round the house going from one job to the next as he cooks and is just like a little kitten messing with his little paws and peeling garlic or sprinking parsley or grilling vegetables, i look at the side of his face and more often, his gorgeous bottom. it is just exactly like a babys. like a little peach. much nicer than mine. we laugh a lot of the time. he mimics my laugh. i didn't know what my life was like but he does. and when i tickle him mercilessly he is hysterical and begs me to stop. but i just cant cos he really smiles and laughs out loud. usually he is a quiet character. often not speaking for hours on end. busy doing something, or nothing... and then he will play some chopin and his eyes do this thing , he goes straight to heaven, it is moving to watch. i am crying now. so i will stop. it is very unsettling moving. i have been on my own since i was 21, its a long time. this is my first go at cohabitation. i am doing well so far. because of love.
i worry about everything, of course i do. its my job. it was in my life contract.
i cant want food today i don't know why. i made all these gorgoues aubergines and courgettes pan cooked in garlic and oil and they look stunning but i just cant want them. i had a yoghurt. it was nice but its not enough for a girl who needs to be strong..
apparently my poetry is ok and i should send it out to publishing companies but really, who can be arsed to do that, it will be such a faff.
christ almighty how wonderful will it be to sleep in a bed ...what if it were tonight? oh my god i would be so ...well now, would i be happy? would a bed make me happy? very doubtful but it would make me relieved. very very relieved which is good enough.
i am going thru a low. i don't know why but i am. it will pass and if it doesn't i will get help. its not hard, even in italy. plus people do speak english. i watch all my french and saunders and not going out and little britain for comfort they are my comforts.Facebook used to be but its not really much more. i have networked and its pretty boring. i have a made a few friends i should like to meet and they are all over 50 how weird is that? two are old!
i will see my dad next week and i will see my mum the day after we get back. its fab and i cant wait. though i cant do big eating any more so it will be a challenge mind you, my mum eats like a bird. a small bird. a ladybird.
what a boring fucking entry this was.
i want to be rich. i love luxury things. i don't mean have enough money. that is now. i mean stinking filthy rich. i love jewellery. leather. fur. mmm. i shall mke it happen, i wonder how...
over n out. if anyone reads this, you shouldn't have. it was a waste of time. now that did make me smile honestly. i do make myself laugh. humour is your best friend. well it is mine for sure! tee hee