Wednesday, October 12, 2011

diary; here comes the pain

well, mr p shone like a good 'un today an still shines on.
i don't sleep here at night . i am retaining my sense of humour but only just at times. today was one of those only just times. having been up all night in pain and on a permanent magnet and pulley system track to the bathroom so i didn't have to be awake cos i had passed out at about thru exhaustion from being so sick during the day ) anyhow, after all that, i had the most excruciatingly painful operation and now am ''in recovery'' apparently. so...he brought me french bread and finest coppa, and an illegal coke (ooh la la, like bonney and clyde, we are ) and some biscuits cos i was such a good girl about all the pain... but i keep re feeling the sensations i experinced as they took some biopsies today. it was just outrageous and i screamed. i found some marks on my hand and i am quite certain they are from when it was so awful and i dug my nails in to my hand to help me to endure it. while i been in recovery, i am noticing more and more... you know love is the ONLY thing that matters. he loves his sleep. and he comes in every morning early and sits here while i cry or scream or sleep or eat or laugh or whatever, and saunters about the place with feline gait going to get me help, getting me food, asking for a sleeping pill (for me, not him. he doesn't need them, being exhausted and also of a naturally calm disposition) (just like me ) (or...not) and you know, nobody else here seems to have that. i mean people have someone every so often, even sometimes a whole family will come in, but for an hour or so, once... there was a man who sat by his alzheimers ravaged wife and loved her so hard every second, while she had not a clue who he was, and he fed her and watched as it all rolled down her face and put it back in slowly...and i keep saying and thinking it, that is love) but nobody else has constant love and attention. how lucky can a  girl be. its so easy to look at our lives from the negative. and if one side of your life has a lot of negative (my health for example, and i am coming out of the closet about it FINALLY as there is no shame in it and the pressure of leading a double life outweighs saving face at this point after hiding both it and myself for 24 years) it is so easy. so very easy. then, you see others. and still try in your own mind to bitch about your own lives. then you are faced with the dilemma, but can i still turn this into a torment call of how i can prove that my life is still worse. well i think they might have other tales to tell about that.
always at my best after anaesthetic, good company, relaxed, you see. cant really do relaxed . its a work in progress.
so they then tell me just at the moment i have a fever and feel suicidal, that i am going to be in for at least another few days. for more tests. my heart sank. but on the other hand its great that they are being so thorough and that they are looking after me, but... :-( oh dear, more parma ham, penne al burro and vitello escalopes and 24/7 care ( we had turkey with porchini in white wine today, v nice too) ... and pain and stress. hopelessness. vulnerability. well. lets put food first. when in bologna...
ooh here we go, its 2130...''they come, they come, i see them, they come!'' you put your left drip in, your right drip out, in out in out, shake them all about...''
why is that on my mind so. well, one thing is for sure. resist it and it will stay in your mind forever. it will get worse. rather like pain.