''now relax, dear''
easy peasy, with a total stranger, in a dodgy suit, halitosis...
and patronizing commands like
''pop your things off''
''pop forward a bit''
and ''pop your feet in, that's the ticket''
i had no idea what he was looking for or at
commentary was there not
might have been watching a dvd of the football in there while i was wincing as far as i knew
but then i would be wincing if were at home and they were watching footie on my tv
...and while i am popping, what will you be doing, i wonder
setting me on fire inside perhaps?
leaving your instruments of torture in there, as you did before?
curing me instantly...hohoho
you are being silent.
one cannot know.
he deigns to speak; 'this wont hurt (me) at all...'
'i said it wouldn't hurt, silly billy!
that was not a normal reaction'
then i thought HANG ON. no.
that is the last time i say that
not again. no more.
after 25 years of apologizing for my mistreatment and being paid
not to be cared for
the uncaring profession
'no, but it did hurt.
i wasn't reacting for fun.
i trusted you that it wouldn't hurt then ...
my jumping was a normal pain response.
to the pain i was feeling.
how fucking dare you level that at me.
i wonder if people with 'normal' pain reaction
can sing butterfly like i can.
or write like i can.
or paint like i can.
or look like i can.
or move people into fits of laughter or tears within a second like i can
i don't have a low pain thresh hold. i am tough. try me.
it is not a personal failing.
and don't look at me over your half moons like that please.
i didn't just fall out of the sky.
i am in rather a vulnerable position here
you are in between my legs
i dont like your manner
i am in pain
and after all you are a man.
or so i was led to believe''
i had had enough pussy footing round fragile doctors egos
in case they might be able to help me
when they cant.
saying i feel a bit better, when i don't.
in case they might think i am imagining it
as they did when i was 17
and they didn't know what it was then either
i am still i recovery from the personal insult.
when doctors don't immediately know what the cause of very clear real suffering, they try to tell you it's in your mind, and probably give you antidepressants
because they think it will convince everyone that they themselves are not falling short....
it is you who have failed
its not that they just....
don't know their job.
beware. watch that tactic. its commonly used.
i wish i had know that at 17 the course of my life would have been so different.
and he actually said
'ooh we have got a feisty one here'
wrong moment to say that to me, sadly.
'no, we haven't, not feisty, just one thats been in acute attacks of crippling unexplained
pain, daily, for 24 years
and watched it ruin every aspect of her life
and lost everything to it.
career, money, confidence, social life.
and hidden it, and fought it.
led a double life
and who is tired of being hurt inside, by limp talentless men
who tell me to pop this in and pop on that.
not feisty, just seen it all.
done it all.
you are just one more.
number 261 actually.
i am not a feisty one, just one one who would would give the devil and all his henchmen
a blow job to get my life back, sweetie darling.
then he started to behave better.
'right i think we are ready.'
the nurse gave me a look as if to say
he told me 'spit spot i don't have all day' from his desk while i was changing.
i said, ''i am wiping the ky jelly from my vagina, labia, thighs
and everywhere else you smeared it with your alien eye.
i will then put on the pad you gave me the size of france
to fit into my g string the size of a bounty bar
into my knikcers and then my tights
and my suit
then i will be with you as soon as i can.
and i am paying you for this.
not the other way round.
you are here to serve me
you did the bare minimum. possibly less.
it has cost me £275, this fifteen minutes, of you and
your mary fucking poppins gynae exam.'
thats the least of it.
the very least.
just another doctor.