Wednesday, November 16, 2011

just jump

you know how things fizzle out?

i never had that
too hot, too aflame
too intense
too wonderful and perfect and energetic
i loved you both so much
why all my life had you not been there
when you were there
and roses bled all over our knickers

oh girls, in general you are too too wonderful!
if only one could marry you
with your large pert breasts and deeper understanding


suddenly things crash around us
and everyone gets decimated
dirt and dismay everywhere
like a lorry losing its lumpy load down a highway
too fast in a single lane
listening on the folk/country station or bob effing dylan
who sings as if the pain of the whole world were coming out thru his nose
keep it in there. sneeze it al into your sleeve instead, codger.
the stores are all out of cigarettes and wine
we had no escape but the disparity of words, chanel lipstick and skinny jeans
i close, shut, cut off, hide to avoid to things said
it all goes in though
every single door bell .
i still shiver from a sneeze it did 8 months ago.
that, they say, is deep sensitivity
i live in fear
i never pick up, never.
and they get hurt cos they feel its the highest insult to be ignored
they are right

what is my choice?
to hurt someone who'll get over it in time, or be decimated forever?
i know they will suffer less. ok. they told me.
mine is an act of kindness.
and i can say that before God on my knees.
surrounded by pink roses they generously adorn churches with here, where i live.
a perfect place to sing. a spiritual perfumerie
i am fulfilled here
and roses bled all over my knickers

ashes. still smouldering still on fire though subtley torturing
still burning gently up my thighs and rubbing into my hair
and right back between now
and oh how this agony reminds me of him
to introduce pleasure into pain
and change my life from
suicide bids
to words, giggles, and fun
trust, it must be impossible... trust.
just jump

ashes make me smart.
they are still alive!
they live!
little grey memories of acute agony
they know
they knew
they gnaw at me there
want me to say it?
they will always know and love me for knowing
fools think they are grey dead, but they are alive
grey has a lot of life in it still, i told you before
never say you know for sure
you didn't know about me
let it lie now

but those memory cells still give, on and on and on
a glorious cleansing, a confession, benediciton
pain but pure beauty it's not what you think
i touched my anima, i touched His
when roses bled all over my knickers...