Thursday, August 11, 2011

not doing it

i am not going to UK... i have been so poorly for 5 days...i don't feel a long trip and facing ryanair (and then a long trip home) is going to help me get well (if i ever do) plus which, i just went totally dizzy... oh my god i feel like shit on a stick still... my eyes look like those plastic models of vaginas that sad men order from dodgy catalogues ( and then presumably try and poke themselves thru) (vomit) printed in cheap ink...  oh christ, ryanair... reminds me of a time when i was still smoking, and i was doing this  just inside the door of an airport... and a cleaner guy said to me CANT YOU READ and i said ''yes i can, which is why i am not mopping the floor'' he was enraged and i thought, 'yeah'... i guess might have gone dizzy cos i am eating so little... i can't face food... i like thinking about it but don't wanna eat it... maybe i have a brain tumour... no, i bet i just have to suffer for about another 90 years... yeah that's my role...

anyhow, paragraphs are working well for me i think... easier for ones eyes i am told... everything is about being easy on the eye isn't it, about making eyes not have to work or be upset ''she's easy on the eye''... maybe eyes want to work, maybe it's their purpose in life, maybe it's an illusion that they like being lazy, yes, maybe its an optical illusion about a lazy eyes... i don't like that poetry that has to look pretty and is in shapes, there is a word for it, but i think it stinks. for it to look pretty, it suffers (don't we all) and thus, so do it's readers... life is pain, think on, haha... my mum said today,' i didn't like the rose poem, cos i thought it was sad'... i laughed myself hoarse, when i was on skype with her, reminded her that sometimes poets do write when they are sad... (like 90% the time that they write), she of ''i'm walking on a tightrope '' poetry fame in the 1970s... oh dear i am smiling just rethinking it... she said 'it makes me sad cos it sounds like you are sad', erm... anyhow, i was able to right her, the fact was, it wasn't about me, it was about her... she said, oh great... it is about me isn't it... i said, ''a long time ago... , mum, we forget,'' meaning that she largely has, because he totally has, due to his senility and insensitivity, but i haven't... it shaped me life, i will never forget... and i cry now remembering... moving swiftly on...

i used to  think that it was the most talented people who had international acclaim and fame... how wrong i was. what silly notions i have held for so long. what utterly naive thoughts i have had. i thought because i was nice everyone would be nice to me. i thought you had to do something bad to be bullied or resented or even disliked. how funny, to think of that now. how we learn. then when we are ready, with our knowledge, to live life...we die! weird. you see, i only just thought that for myself. most people know that at 18 apparently. 18 i am not. but apparently i look younger. i think it is all the tears, i think it keeps your skin nice. do you cry with joy, too? ooh tea, good... coming ! (talking to kettle ...is that a wholly good sign?) sometimes i spend the whole day without having spoken a word. living alone. you do that. BUT moving in 14 days ... ooh two weeks. i will miss my apartment... spacious, concrete tiled, light, shutters, nice bathroom, fantastic shower a bit like a bath really, i am sure several could fit in it... don't wish to try... it's such a lovely day here... not that i shall venture out of my door into the outside world, i am still afraid of my stalker... sooner or later i will take my rubbish out, buy milk and fizzy water (which comes out as 'dizzy water' on sms text ,which i love)... soon i shall be walzing around my room singing ''wonderful day'' it possibly wont be today, i am thinking... plus ca change...

today i look like a long twist of uncooked pastry... and my hair appears to be falling out, my nightmare! coming true! wahhhhhhhhhhhhh! oh sod it i feel too unwell to worry... if i go bald i shall wear wigs, gosh they are so good these days...apparently more women than you know wear them and have had boob jobs... god i want mine SMALLER i don't want my breasts to be the only subject of scrutiny... i want people to look at my face when we are talking... its why i always wear black... black the great minimizer of attention-grabbing things, apart form at funerals when they wear black to signify ''we are miserable, look at us.''

this IS your life. you are not waiting for it to start. it's this. i am waiting for it to bloody start, i tell you.

i am drinking my tea.. sainsbury's red label. one of the wonders of modern life...no monkeys involved here, and workmen too are idle (not change there, either) it is just gorgeous. i love tea. with biscuits, the best. but a cup of tea can house about 350 g of vanilla rice bickies and 600g of cadburys dairy milk, so i try not to. all or nothing. that me. tea tea tea tea. i had a woman come into my apartment once and she saw a padre pio picture on my wall, it was here when i got here but i kinda like it...and she said 'oh i don't like that, its not well done and sentimental' (oh they are not afraid of saying what they think...'oh you are too thin now emma, you don't look as good'... ) anyhow she came in recently and said 'oh, what a lovely picture. isn't it done well?'  now, is this normal behaviour or is she a fucking nutter? if i did that and somebody pointed it out, i would worry forever...

i am not going to england today with my puffy eyes and migraine, there are flights on other days and after all, and i say this literally laughing into my screen, this is to see a mother who was happy that i left home to go to live in london for music academy...